Why aren’t white people up in arms marching against filmmakers for Hollywood’s ceaseless portrayal of them as being magical? It must really be sad to be constantly portrayed as such amazing beings when real life is so mundane and nondescript. But Hollywood appears to be in love and when Hollywood is in love, there is no stopping them.
I don’t believe a script can be greenlit in Hollywood today unless it has some magical white man with a sword, superpower, or ability to jump high or fly. It’s like every white guy all of a sudden is Chase Budinger from the Houston Rockets. (Chase on Video.)
But what’s more amazing is that, except for Storm in X-men, these superpowers are held exclusively for white people. No Latins, no Asians, no Blacks…no, no, no. Not even the original magical flying people—Arabs. What’s with the non-inclusion? Isn’t Hollywood the bastion of liberalism? Is there no room at the studios for the rest of the world to be magical, too? Don’t you think everyone would like to fly, Hollywood? Let them all in on the action. Yes, I know that the Avengers is coming out, but that’s just one black guy—who used to be Italian by the way—and who’s played by the same guy who played the last magical black guy in Star Wars. Asians, Arabs and Latinos want in on this, too—let alone other black actors. Not spreading the super around puts too much pressure on white people to be amazing.
Add to all the magic the historical redos that turn the Dark Age days of plague into a rockin’ great time in history. Henry the 8th looks nothing like the corpulent, dough-faced, glutton I studied as a teen—let alone that all of his self-portraits display—and his descendants evidence in their utter homeliness. Today he’s a chiseled, handsome, young playboy who spends more time in the gym than the vomitorium. From Game of Thrones to Spartacus to Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter, no more do the rotten, infected, wooden teeth of George Washington and the putrid stench of Victorian women pose an obstacle to romance—let alone superpowers. In fact, nothing seems more attractive in modern movies than a woman awash in whale blubber perfume and lacking deodorant.
I’ve taken to calling all such movies, “Magical White People (MWP)” movies—and I’ve created a sub-class “with Swords (MWP-s)”—just to keep track of them because they are a-plenty. Is there a white teen anywhere that can’t move cars with his mind, fly through the air, read someone’s mind, and cast a spell? Is there a white guy over 20 who can’t kill a murderous dragon with his bare hands, take down an army single-handedly, hunt down and kill a pack of wolves or terrorists with a cell phone and dental floss? I don’t think so. White people in movies are amazing. And they are becoming more and more amazing with every Hollywood release.
We must address this trend in filmmaking before the inevitable occurs: White people around the world, unable to live up to the expectations of superdom, face a coming epidemic of emotional breakdowns. I say this because none of my white friends, nor those I commonly experience in my day-to-day life, possess any of the exceptional qualities today’s films bestow upon them. When I ask them to reveal their superpower, they drop their heads in abject surrender to reality—not unlike my own reaction when, after a loss, I’m asked by my white teammates why I didn’t just dunk the basketball.
The pressure Hollywood places on white people therefore dooms them to repeated disappointment when called upon by humanity. Join me in calling on Hollywood to stop these wild, stereotypical portrayals of white people. White people are just like everyone else and it’s time for Hollywood to recognize this.
(The 2nd edition of What I Wish I Knew Before I Moved to Hollywood available now exclusively on Kindle for only $4.99. Get yours now. Click here. Kindle e-books can be read on I-phone, I-pod, I-pad, Android, Mac and PC with the free Kindle App.)